Effective Discipline For Headstrong Toddlers

"NO!" "I WON'T" or "ME DO IT!" are common phrases that come
out of the mouths of toddlers, who are notorious for resisting
reason from adults. One minute your toddler is still your baby,
cuddling up and being a little angel - and the next she is a
raging tyrant, screaming and kicking and throwing herself on the
floor!



They call the toddler years "The Terrible Two's" or the
"Terrible Three's" and sometimes it may feel as though these
years will last right into the "Terrible Thirties"!



Many parents tell me that they feel like failures because of the
'bad' behavior of their toddlers. Others are afraid that they
will damage their children due to either spoiling or harsh
discipline.



What I would like to do in this E-booklet is to give you the
positive side of the stage your toddler is going through, as
well as some tips that will help you to avoid conflict while
still setting firm limits and boundaries for your toddler. I use
the term 'discipline' in its broadest sense - not as a synonym
for punishment, but as a method of guiding and nurturing your
child through a stage of his life which can be difficult for
both of you. This is a stage of development during which you as
a parent can do both great harm and great good - so the more
that you inform and equip yourself the better!



So, let us first look at what is going on with your child during
this stage of development.



What is happening with my baby?



Well, your baby is beginning to grow up! For the first time in
his life, he has begun to realize that he is a separate
individual. Small babies have no sense of self. They believe
that they are one person with their mothers. At around age two
or three, children begin to have a sense of self, but they need
to 'test' this and establish their independence and their
'difference'

from you in whichever way they can. This is perfectly healthy
and normal. If you fight it too much or make your child feel
'bad', guilty or scared about asserting independence, you may
have a 'good' toddler, but your child may later have a difficult
adolescence and even problems in her relationships later on in
life. When I counsel parents or take children into therapy, I
always find out what the child was like during the toddler
years. If the child was an 'angel' or a 'perfect child', I get
worried!



So try and see your child's toddler years as 'practice' for
adolescence and even an independent adulthood. It is a healthy
stage and your toddler needs to feel supported and accepted in
her developing independence. After all, learning to say 'No' is
a very important life skill - and who better for your child to
practice on than you!



Prevention is better than Cure!



It is much easier to prevent a tantrum than it is to try and
reason with a child who is already having one!



Remember, your child is trying to establish his new independence
from you. If you fight him and prevent him from doing this, he
will become frustrated. Toddlers have a very low threshold for
frustration and limited ability to reason, so it is always best
to try and avoid putting obstacles in your toddler's way if
possible. Here are some things you can do which will help to
prevent frustration and tantrums.



Try and be one step ahead of your toddler.



For example, if you know that she hates to stop playing and will
resist getting into the bath, don't suddenly tell her to come
and bath without any warning. Rather tell her that she has five
more minutes left to play and then she is going to have a bath.
This will help to prepare her. When it is time for her bath, try
and make bath time fun and an extension of the game that she is
already playing. Instead of saying "Come and bath now", rather
say "Do you want to take the pink duck or the blue duck to play
with in the bath?" or "Let's watch the Mummy duck teach the baby
ducks to swim in the water, OK?"



Similarly, try and be one step ahead in being aware of your
toddler's 'difficult' times of the day - when frustration and
tantrums are more likely. If he is too tired, your toddler will
become unreasonable and it is

unlikely that anything will work with him. Learn to put him down
for a nap BEFORE he gets overtired, not after he and you are
both a wreck! Be aware also that his blood sugar levels will
vary according to when he has last eaten and the amount of sugar
he is consuming. If he is hungry, he will easily become
unreasonable, so make sure that you give him regular healthy
snacks throughout the day. Toddlers need at least five small
meals a day - not three like adults. Too many sweet things to
eat and drink, will be bad for your toddler's health and his
mood and are to be avoided, except on special occasions.



A consistent routine, together with regular naps and healthy
meals will help your toddler to feel more secure and prevent
many tantrums.



Be reasonable in your expectations



Remember that your toddler has a very short memory and little
understanding of why certain things are not allowed. Don't
become angry and expect that she behave like an older child.
Lots of patience and plenty of repetition is what works, not
scolding and spanking when your toddler does not 'listen'.



I have counseled parents who expect their toddler to tidy up his
room or who demand that their 3 year old child refrain from
making a mess when he eats. This is unreasonable and ill
informed behavior from adults and will place too much stress on
a child. Be aware of what your child can or cannot do and make
allowances for his age.



If your child is big for her age, be especially careful that you
do not treat her as an older child. Many people make this
mistake without realizing it - this includes teachers and
parents. Remember that size does not necessarily relate to
maturity levels - have age appropriate expectations from your
toddler!



Give lots of controlled choices



Give your toddler things to choose from. This helps him to feel
more in control of his life and prevents oppositional behavior.



For example - many toddlers fight about the clothes they have to
put on in the morning, often insisting on putting on summer
clothes in the depths of winter and vice versa! Prevent this by
taking out two or three winter outfits and asking your child
which one she prefers. This gives her the feeling of
independence, without compromising your need to have her warmly

dressed.



'Don't sweat the small stuff'!



This well-known phrase could have been written especially for
parents of toddlers! Don't get into a battle of wills over
things that are not important. There is no need whatsoever to
establish who is 'boss'! If it

doesn't really matter, don't fight about it. Save the conflict
for things which are non-negotiable - there will be enough of
them!



For example, if your child wants to go to nursery school with
one blue sock and one pink one, chalk it up to creativity and an
artistic spirit! Even if he wants to wear a different shoe on
each foot, that is fine! Don't stifle his experiments with
clothes or his expression of himself in terms of how he wants to
dress. He doesn't need to be color coordinated! If anyone thinks
that you are a bad parent for allowing your child to wear a pink
dress over red trousers, one blue shoe and one black shoe - that
is their problem!

Don't fight over unnecessary things. Eventually one of your
child's friends will make a remark about his color sense and he
will likely modify his choice of clothes accordingly! Then it
will have been a valuable lesson for him, rather than a source
of conflict which might emerge again in adolescence in the form
of green hair and eyebrow rings!



Save the conflict for bigger and more important things - like
whether or not it is OK to play in the traffic!



Save NO for important things!



Speaking of traffic, there are some occasions when NO must be
NO! Do not allow your toddler to play with sharp scissors, just
because you do not want to stifle his spirit. He is not yet able
to judge danger for himself and therefore you must do it for
him. There must be some things which are non-negotiable under
all circumstances. In cases like these, say "NO" very

firmly and follow this up by removing either the object or your
toddler from the scene. Be consistent about this.



Distraction is your most powerful tool!



Toddlers have a very short attention span and are interested in
everything! This means that they are easily distracted, so make
sure that you use this to your advantage when trying to prevent
conflict.



For example, if you see your toddler making a beeline for your
five year old's coloring book, don't say 'NO' and take her away
from her object of interest. She will invariably start screaming
blue murder! Rather say 'Oh - Look at the lovely bird outside!
Let's go and see!'



Keep your child busy.



Boredom will create bad moods. Your toddler is developing fast
and needs lots of learning opportunities. This need not be an
expensive or time-consuming pastime. Provide empty containers,
sand and water and help her to make mud pies. Go for walks in
the park. Join a mothers and toddlers group. Read her
storybooks. Make sure that her day is varied and interesting.



Do not park your toddler in front of the TV for hours for
convenience sake. A short age appropriate program every day is
no problem, but excessive TV viewing causes developmental
problems and frustrated, bad tempered children! Don't make TV a
habit you will find hard to break in a few years time.



Don't use harsh discipline.



Spanking and yelling should be avoided, especially with toddlers
who have little ability to understand this form of discipline
and who can easily become angry and begin to bully other
children and small animals as a way of coping with the harsh
discipline. Rather use one of the preventative or guiding
techniques above - they will be much more effective in any case!



Model good behavior



Children learn by example! Don't yell or swear if you don't want
them to do the same! Don't expect your toddler not to hit his
sister if you hit him. Don't bite your child to show her that
biting is wrong! Model reasonable and kind behavior at all
times. Rather say, "We don't bite each other, because it hurts.
Look - poor Sally feels very sore because you bit her. If you
bite again, I am going to pick you up and take you out of the
room, until you can stop biting" You will have to do this a few
times - even many times! But eventually your child will learn.



Give lots of praise and encouragement!



Plenty of positive reinforcement is essential for young
children. Praise his growing independence ("Look how clever you
are to undress yourself!" "You finished your food all by
yourself - what a big girl!") Too often we reprimand and
criticize, rather than building our children's self esteem and
confidence.



Be aware of what you have learnt from your parents



Don't repeat bad parenting patterns! If your parents spanked you
when you cried, you may find yourself becoming angry with your
child when he cries. If this means that you have difficulty in
controlling an impulse to hit him, even if you know it is wrong,
rather consult a therapist who will help you to work through
these feelings from your past.



Give yourself a break!



Make sure that you look after yourself. Toddlers can be tiring
and draining as well as a source of great pleasure. At the very
least they are challenging and you need to be on the ball all
the time. In order to maintain a sense of perspective and
patience, you need to take time out to recharge your batteries.
There is no sense in both of you being tired and unreasonable!



Share the parenting load with your partner. Take time to be with
your friends and to get out for exercise, entertainment and
relaxation. Enlist the help of a grandparent, babysitter or join
a supportive mothers' group. Do this regularly, not just when
you are at the end of your tether! Your child needs you to be
rested, happy and relaxed - not resentful, tired and ratty!



Learn to identify problem areas.



Having said that some conflict and opposition from your toddler
is healthy and normal, also be aware when this becomes excessive
as it may be a sign that something is wrong. If your child is
always crying and screaming, make sure that it is not a warning
signal.



Is there someone bullying him at school? Are there marital
problems at home? Are you being too strict with your child? Do
you pay him enough attention and prevent him from being bored?
Is he eating too much junk food?



Learn to know your child and identify when something is wrong.
If you are not sure, you are welcome to consult me for more
detailed information and counseling.



Some children go through a stage of being extremely oppositional
and find it very difficult to control their tempers. It is true
that children differ in their ability to tolerate frustration -
often despite their parents doing all the 'right' things! If
this is so, your child may benefit from a course of natural,
homeopathic medicine to calm him and help him to be more
reasonable.



Good luck and be well!



Michele Carelse is a Registered Clinical Psychologist and
Licensed Counselor with more than 15 years experience. She runs
her own private practice, as well as an online counseling and
information service at

http://www.nativeremedies.com/online_counseling.shtml?kbid=5918&img=nativeremedies.gif

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