Surviving Divorce

How to Survive Divorce



If you are reading this, you have probably been
divorced relatively recently - or perhaps you are about to
become single again. Many people struggle to adjust to life
after divorce and problems like depression, anxiety, loneliness,
and uncontrolled anger are common. On top of adjusting to the
divorce itself (and the hurt that goes with it), leaving a
marriage may very often mean leaving one's home and losing
friends that used to be part of a 'married' social circle. There
may also be problems with co-parenting children who themselves
are also trying to accept their new status.



While everyone is different and situations may vary, the
following tips may help you to adjust more easily. Read them
through and try to apply them - even though you may not feel
like it. Don't wait to feel 'better' before you begin to do
things for yourself. Follow these tips and you will find
yourself slowly accepting and moving on from the hurt and the
anger and finding peace and happiness again.



Realize that this is an Adjustment Period



When you are feeling hurt, angry and confused, it is very
difficult to see that this is 'just' an adjustment period and
that it will get better. Your heart is broken. You may be
feeling betrayed and angry. Your whole world has been turned
upside down and you cannot imagine that your life will ever be
worthwhile again. You may even feel so bad that you think about
committing suicide.



Many of my clients have told me that one of the most helpful
things that I did for them was to help them to realize that they
were going through an adjustment phase and that they would not
feel that way forever. Although it may be difficult to accept at
the time, tell yourself that you are now feeling at your worst
and that you will begin to feel progressively better as the days
go by. The more you do to help yourself adjust, the quicker the
adjustment period will be.



Remember that you have lost many things in the process of
divorce. You will have lost your partner and the dreams that you
had of growing older together. You may have lost your home or
the standard of living that you were accustomed to. Perhaps you
have lost friends and family members who are now 'ex' family
members. You have probably lost your trust and your self-esteem.
You have to allow yourself a period of time to mourn these
losses. Just as people mourn loved ones who have died, so you
have to mourn all the things that you have lost in the process
of divorce. Tell yourself that you may be in mourning and that
you will have to help yourself get through this - but that the
time will come when your mourning period is finished and you can
celebrate a new beginning. Be kind to yourself!



How long will this 'adjustment' take? Well, people vary,
depending on many factors. Even if it is a relatively
'straightforward' divorce, allow yourself at least a year before
you expect to start feeling 'yourself' again. This is not to say
that you will feel awful for a year and then wake up one day
feeling great. At first it may be very hard. Then you will begin
to have a good day here and there. These good days will become
more frequent until there is only an occasional bad day. One day
you will realize that you haven't thought of your ex for a whole
week! Believe me - this WILL happen! Give yourself time and
don't expect to 'bounce back' straight away.



Make use of your social support!



You may feel so bad that you want to curl up in a corner and
die! The last thing that you may want to do is to be in the
company of others. Remember what I said above? This is an
adjustment phase - not the way it is going to be forever! Don't
withdraw and push people away. Spend time with friends and
family. Join a social club or join a group or sport of some sort
(hiking, walking, chess, dancing, charity, church, tennis, etc).
Take up a hobby or craft and allow yourself to meet new people
and learn new things. It will take your mind off your worries
and help to boost your self-esteem.



Join a divorce support group or go for counseling



Think about joining a divorce support group in your area. It
will help tremendously to talk to people who are going through
the same experience as you are. If you can talk to a support
group, you will be able to unburden yourself there and find
support and encouragement that you may not always find from
others.



Think about going for professional counseling, especially if you
are feeling very vulnerable. If you are experiencing symptoms of
depression, it is very important to go and speak to a counselor
who will help you to work through your pain and monitor your
symptoms to make sure that they do not get worse. Some of the
symptoms of depression are sleep and appetite disturbance,
excessive tearfulness, irritability, inability to concentrate,
fatigue and loss of interest in usually pleasurable activities.
These may just be temporary and part of your adjustment period
or they may be more serious.



Don't get involved again too quickly!



This may seem like a cliché - but many people get involved in
new relationships 'on the rebound'. This is a time of your life
when you are very vulnerable and lonely and are carrying a lot
of baggage. Make friends, have fun - but try to keep it light
and friendly! Although there have been some very strong
relationships forged just after a divorce, the odds are against
it and the last thing you will be able to cope with now is
another hurt. Be careful and work through your experience before
you move on to another serious relationship. People who move
from one broken relationship to the other in serial fashion
often become prone to depression and insecurity and never stay
single for long enough to find out who they really are. The
longer you have been part of a couple, the longer you need to
'find' yourself again.



Use natural alternatives to prescription drugs



It is my experience that doctors tend to prescribe medication
too quickly when people are distressed and this could lead to
problems that you don't need, like addiction. Prescription
sleeping medication is usually habit forming and could cause you
to lose your ability to fall asleep on your own. Some
anti-depressants or anxiolytics 'numb' your feelings and this
means that you do not have the opportunity to work through them
when it is most appropriate. People who have been prescribed
strong medication after a trauma like divorce or loss of a loved
one, often experience problems later on and these may be worse
because they are often triggered by a similar event. Work
through your feelings now - and if you ever have another
difficult thing to cope with in the future, you will be stronger
and better equipped to do so.



This is not to say that must not use anything to help you cope.
There are many natural remedies for sleep, anxiety, and
depression that are not habit forming and which do not have the
same sort of side effects to prescription medicines. While there
is a place for stronger medication, this should be the last
resort. Many doctors do not have the time or the counseling
skills to work with people who are going through emotional
turmoil and giving them tablets is too often the easy way out. A
warm bath with aromatherapy oils, lavender oil on your pillow
and a cup of chamomile tea before bedtime will often relax you
sufficiently to put you to sleep. Regular exercise helps to
fight depression and build self-esteem. MindSoothe is an all
herbal natural remedy to treat depression and anxiety and help
you to get through a difficult time. For more information on
natural remedies, go to

http://www.nativeremedies.com/mindsoothe_for_depression.shtml?kbid=5918&img=nativeremedies.gif



Talk About It



This is the most effective way of relieving depression and
anxiety. Share your problems and "externalize" them, rather than
bottling them up. You will be amazed at how relieved you feel
and how you are able to begin to get things into perspective.



Speak to friends, family or to a professional person like a
licensed counselor. Writing about your feelings is also
therapeutic, so keep a journal, write a book or consult a
professional online at

http://www.nativeremedies.com/online_counseling.shtml?kbid=5918&img=nativeremedies.gif



Do Nice Things For Yourself



Nurture and spoil yourself. You deserve it too! So have a bubble
bath, buy that special something you've been wanting, play your
favorite music and SING, have an aromatherapy massage or put a
few drops of lavender oil in your bath, go on holiday - and do
it because YOU ARE SPECIAL!



Feeling sad and lonely often leads to self-neglect, which makes
you feel and look even worse. This is not the time to stay in
your pj's all day! Make the effort to pay attention to personal
hygiene and grooming, dress smartly, and look after yourself.
Treat yourself to a new hairdo and some new clothes and you will
be amazed at the difference it will make! Boost your
self-esteem! You need it!



Eat Well



Are you used to 'cooking for two'? Does it seem pointless to sit
down to a meal on your own? Nonsense! You are important too and
there is no reason why you should not sit down and enjoy a meal.
If you have been cooking for others for years, aren't you worth
cooking for too? You are going through a difficult time and need
to eat properly. When you are under stress, your body needs more
nutrition to help boost the immune system which is depleted by
your stress levels. If you do not eat properly and look after
yourself, you will become ill and you do not need that!



Some foods can help to fight depression and anxiety. A
carbohydrate rich diet (especially 'whole' carbohydrates) helps
the body produce serotonin - the 'feelgood' chemical. Special
serotonin foods are oats, whole wheat, bananas and other
carbohydrate rich foods. Make sure you are having a full
complement of Vitamin B, magnesium and iron - a deficiency in
any of these can lead to depression and anxiety-type symptoms
and insomnia



Learn to Relax or Meditate



Relaxation techniques and meditation are easy to learn and are
so effective in relieving stress, anxiety and depression that I
wonder why they are not routinely prescribed or even taught as a
life skill at school!



Don't make any unnecessary changes yet



It is sometimes tempting to make major changes in order to take
one's mind off the difficult feelings. Some people decide to
change jobs, start courses of study or sell their homes. While
there is no hard and fast rule, remember that any change will
require adjustment and lots of effort and you probably have
enough on your plate at the moment. The potential to make bad
decisions is also high when you are going through a stressful
time. Remember that it takes at least a year to adjust to a
major change like divorce. If you can leave big decisions and
changes till a later stage it is probably worthwhile doing that.



What about the children?



If you have children, remember that they are going through a
difficult time too. Make sure that they understand what is going
on and what the arrangements about visitation are. Try not to
allow your feelings towards your ex to influence them. They are
not divorcing their parent and it will be beneficial to their
development to maintain a good relationship with him or her. Do
not run down your ex or fight in front of the children and try
to make time to discuss the rules of visitation and
communication as well as other matters like money. Do this
separately from the children if possible.



For some free information about the effects of divorce on
children, go to

http://www.feelgoodcounseling.com/ChildDivorce.htm?kbid=5918&img=nativeremedies.gif



Native Remedies Tip



To help you to get things in perspective, try this self-help
exercise.



Focus on how you are feeling now. Write down all the feelings of
pain, betrayal, anger and confusion. Then ask yourself how you
think you may be feeling and what your life will be like within
six months. Write this down on a separate piece of paper. Do the
same thing for periods of a year, five years and ten years. In
ten years time, will you even remember how bad you are feeling
now?



Focusing on a positive time line and writing things down will
help you to see that you will not be feeling this way forever!



Good luck! You have the rest of your life ahead of you. Remember
that the only difference between a stumbling block and a
stepping stone is in the way that you use it!



Good luck and be well!



Michele Carelse is a Registered Clinical Psychologist and
Licensed Counselor with more than 15 years experience. She runs
her own private practice, as well as an online counseling and
information service at

http://www.nativeremedies.com/online_counseling.shtml?kbid=5918&img=nativeremedies.gif

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